ALL MY CHILDREN

AMC definitely had no problem acknowledging the holidays. Decorations were up, presents were under trees, and holiday celebrations were in full swing. The story of the moment seems to be the old-fashioned Junior/Babe marriage plot. See, when Junior left town, he ended up marrying some chick in San Diego, got her pregnant, and now they’re back in Pine Valley to cash in on those Chandler millions. Of course, Babe and her mother Krystal are sheer trailer trash, and no trailer trash is going to get her hands on Adam’s millions! Adam’s sole hope is that Babe’s kid isn’t a Chandler. And since Babe also did the deed with Junior’s ex-stepbrother Jamie, the kid could very well be a Martin. Or maybe the kid is the child of Paul Cramer, nephew of OLTL’s Dorian, who Babe is still married to legally. Yep, this story is also a crossover that gives a nod to those who watch AMC and OLTL, without making those who don’t feel left out or like their show is being invaded (Hi Rae!). It’s also a good example of what ABC Daytime Pres. Brian Frons said needed to happen: showcase the next generation of characters while still involving the vets. Adam is his typical devious self, trying to pin the paternity on Jamie, which has brought him into conflict with Tad, whose more engaging here than in the past several years. Things crashed together on Christmas Eve when Adam, disguised as hospital Santa, tried to grab Babe’s medical records on only to be stopped by Tad. Tad ended up burning the records, then blamed Adam for it, and Adam was hauled off to jail, where he was serenaded by three drunk Santas! Classic.

In the traditional sappy story, Bianca was feeling low for understandable reasons, until she discovered a baby in a basket at church. Bianca took care of the little one for a while, and came to the realization that even though she didn’t know this kid or who its; parents were. she loved the tyke anyway. When she showed the minister the baby, he thanked her for bringing back the centerpiece of their Nativity display. Bianca was stunned! The real baby was gone, and, in its’ place lay a doll. So, let me get this straight: With everything else going on the world, Baby Jesus decided to make time to beam down and help a pregnant lesbian feel good about having her psycho rapist’s baby? I’ll give McTavish credit: there’s a little something in that scenario to offend every end of the spectrum. If Media Domain weren’t already down for repairs, that definitely would have crashed the server.

AS THE WORLD TURNS

“Christmas? Heh!” The line was good enough for Scrooge, and it was apparently good enough for ATWT’s writers. Of course, the month started off festive enough. The town turned out for the wedding of Paul Ryan and Rose D’Angelo. But, it was not to be. For reasons too convoluted to go into here, Paul was convinced Rose cheated on him with Dusty, and proceeded to embarrass her in front of Oakdale. Paul ranted, Rose cried. Paul left, Rose fell to the ground and passed out. Did losing her man have that much effect on Rose? Naw! She wuz poisoned! By the end of the week, Rose was dead and the speculating began. The rest of the season saw suspects moving evidence, framing others and covering their asses all at the same time! And, of course, there was a lot of grief. And nobody grieves harder than Lily, who was so upset at losing the twin sister she’s knew for a whole 3.5 years, that she began taking on her characteristics. On Christmas Eve, some drunk friends of Rose’s showed up, mistook Lily for Rose, and she went along with the gag. Poor Holden spent the holidays thinking his wife was kidnapped. I know worrying about your kidnapped wife is a prerequisite for being Mr. Lily Walsh, but man, it’s the holidays! Lily was eventually found, but is still off her nut as of this writing.

The other big story was Allison continuing to wreck Aaron’s life to spare that jackass Chris by pretending Aaron’s the father of her baby. However, when Allison realized that Aaron gave up Christmas Eve with his family to buy gifts and spruce up the apartment so Ally could feel comfortable, she finally cracked, and told Aaron the truth. Aaron flipped out, then caught the nearest train to Lucytown. When he got there, Aaron couldn’t tell Lucy, because he didn’t know if she still loved him, she was moving on with some other guy, if they were right for each other, or any number of reasons that will stretch this story until Feb Sweeps.

If you’re wondering about the Hughes’, they were featured too. Nancy, Bob, Kim, and Chris all drank egg nog at the hospital. Then, the men folk went back to work, and the women drank some more egg nog. The whole thing brought a tear to my eye, and it wasn’t one of joy. Ah, the holidays!

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL

Meanwhile, in a shocking switcheroo, Bradley “the king of bah humbug” Bell decide to do an actual, honest to goodness Christmas Eve show. Of course, there were no holiday festivities leading up to it, and, if you missed the show, you’d never know Christmas actually descended on the Forresters and company.

Brooke, who will never understand that 90 percent of her problems can be cured by wearing a chastity belt, found herself in the classic (read old) soap staple: “Who’s the Daddy?” Is love of her life Ridge the proud papa? Or is it his half-brother Nick? The test results say Nick, but we viewers know there might be a mix-up. Brooke and Ridge, for their part, decided to move forward and raise the kid themselves. The rest of the month saw Ridge vainly trying to convince Nick to give up all rights to the child, while Nick stood firm. Steph tried to convince Brooke to leave Ridge and raise the baby with Nick, as she feels anything else will lead to civil war. Eric got mad at Steph for pressuring Brooke. Jackie continued to pressure Nick to fight for Brooke. Massimo lamented how terrible it was that both his sons are hooked up with this slut.

Meanwhile, Deacon recovered from his surgery after being shot by Psycho Pop a.k.a. Eric. Deacon decided to propose to Bridget, who was already engaged to Oscar. Bridget tiptoed around his feelings, until she remembered that this is the guy who cheated on her with her mother, and then she pretty convincingly told him to get a clue. So, they’ll probably be sleeping together by Feb. sweeps. Of course, Deacon will have to get over his little problem first. You see, he was paralyzed from the waist down in every way. Luckily, Bridget is now Deacon’s physical therapist since Deacon is confined to a wheelchair. Bridget gave him a unique Christmas gift when she managed to inadvertently arouse his...um....er....oh, Hell. His penis! She aroused his penis! Your all adults, you can take it.

Christmas Eve saw everyone gather at the mansion for festivities and song. Eric played the piano, Nick played his guitar, Danny did three performances of “Rock On”...wait, wrong show. In our requisite sappy story, everyone worried about Sally, who had decided to spend Christmas alone and mourn her (twice) dead daughter, and wonder what the hell happened to her son. Steph visited Sally, and tried to break her out of the funk. There was some (sarcasm on) real suspense as to whether Sally would show up at the Forresters, but she made it! Yay! (sarcasm off). I was surprised that Eric was so happy to see her, seing that he was dreading having Sally move into his office building in the previous episode. So, I hate your guts and don’t want you working with me, but let’s spend one of the most important days of the year together? Holiday magic!

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

As I’m a person who enjoys my holiday season, why would I wreck it with repeated viewings of Days? But I did watch the Christmas Day episode, and it was almost inoffensive. Jennifer revealed to Abby that she was pregnant, and the two bonded while Jen got a holiday checkup. (Now Reilly’s really gone too far--what woman can just get a regular checkup on Christmas Day?) Will continued his quest to push Sami and Lucas together, and the potential seems to be quite popular with viewers. So that probably means that one of them gets killed and the other one did it. Because, hey, when nothing’s sacred, it all magically makes for better TV. Or some crap. Brady and Chloe spent the morning getting it on, and Nadia Bjorlin added to her rough economy insurance fund. Roman and Kate woke up together, and decided to get married, then decided against it because Kate wants to be sure the killer is locked up first. Later, the two called Lucas to wish him a merry Christmas, and Kate offered to put Roman on the phone for a holiday greeting to Sami, but of course she refused. Can we agree that Sami the overgrown teenager has gone on a little too long? Show ended with Jen reading the Christmas story to the kids at the hospital, and all was nice and calm--until Roman got a message on his PDA that his ass was next! Just a subtle reminder that it may be a nice Christmas, but things are still hellish in Salem.

GENERAL HOSPITAL

Oh my! It was a pretty good season in Port Chuckles, as the crew somehow found it in their hearts to give us two separate Christmas episodes. The first was the typical “let’s look at everybody” episode, as we saw everyone celebrating Christmas. Sonny and Carly had a peaceful day inside their apartment, and not a bullet was fired! Courtney joined them, sans Jason who was doing work for Sonny to avoid spending a holiday in PC apart from Courtney, his one true love or the next best thing to Sonny. Jason sent Michael a telescope, and Michael actually asked to call to Jason to show his appreciation. He has manners! Jason talked to everybody--except Courtney of course. They all ate diner, courtesy of Mike, and Michael said grace--because if anyone else had said it, lightning would have struck all those degenerate mobsters dead.

Meanwhile, Georgie spent Christmas Eve volunteering at the hospital to bring joy and merriment to the sick children. Unfortunately, Sage had also volunteered and, ho ho ho took on a whole new meaning, as she arrived in her slutty Santa outfit. Just as Tracy was remarking to Dillon what an improvement Sage was over that dreadful Georgie, the two broke out into a fight that should please the Jerry Springer crowd ABC is apparently aiming for.

Luke rescued Skye from an emotionally abusive Quartermaine holiday--which is actually like every day at the Quartermaines, except it’s set to music. Luke then gave her an early Christmas gift--he was going to stay the hell away from her. Luke also decided to give this gift to his family by refusing to attend their holiday celebration. He ended up back at the Haunted Star, where he planned to drink the night away until he was visited by the ghost of Jacob Marley a.k.a. Stavros Cassadine. And, for those of you who missed it, no, Robert Kelker-Kelly isn’t any more tolerable in small doses. The Spirit of Christmas Past came in the form of Helena, who had Luke revisit a time when he and Bobbie were getting treats and money from a young rich lady. They promised the lady they would meet with her one evening, but actually took the money and headed for Florida. The lady turned out to be Lila Quartermaine, and she actually wanted to adopt the two children. I don’t know what’s sadder: seeing this lost opportunity for Luke and Bobbie, or the fact that we can see a young Lila Quartermaine, but Anna Lee sits home on her heating pad.

Next, Nikolas a.k.a. Spirit of Christmas Present showed Luke life at the Quartermaines, where Skye was back and preparing to take a drink. Scotty was taking money from the “toys for tots” fund, which was a bit much even for this reinterpretation of Scotty. I mean, if you want Keith from Santa Barbara, hire Justin Deas. It’s not like he’s doing anything of note. Then, it was time to visit the Spencer clan, where Lulu received a bike from Luke--except that it was really from Lucky. Lucky decided to end the charade, and told Lulu the truth--Luke doesn’t give a damn about her or anybody else. The point was to make Luke see that his choices do have an effect on others--abandoning Skye, ignoring lulu, taking Laura from Scotty (yeah, the last one is weak). Luke also got to see Laura in the hospital. With Genie Francis and GH still at war, the part of Laura was ably played by the back of Patty Duke’s Head.

The Spirit of Christmas Future was--death apparently. We just saw a hooded figure. What, they couldn’t get Stefan? Luke came to a grave site he assumed was his own. Lulu, now a young teen ,Nikolas, and Lesley arrived to mourn the loss of...Lucky. Yep. The ol’ Luckster got killed in some police thingee. Considering the luck they’re having with these recasts, that might not be a bad idea. Lucky’s decision to be a police officer was apparently to atone for what a law-breaking, worthless doofus his father is. Lulu said Lucky died for nothing, because their father is worthless. Next, Luke visited a chalk outline, where Cameron lamented about how he tried to help the poor soul Last, we stopped at a morgue, where Luke learned that the poor said soul was--himself! I think it would have been more effective if they just stopped with Lucky. The whole theme of the show, which was very effectively executed, by the way, was that Luke’s selfish choices have a negative impact on others. Live Luke being shocked at seeing Dead Luke wasn’t the least bit surprising, and it was odd Luke had such a strong reaction to it.

In any event, Luke woke up and did the reformed Scrooge bit to the hilt. He rescued Skye--again. He visited Nikolas and Emily and gave Yuletide greetings. And he went to the Spencer family gathering. At the end, he looked up at the night sky, and said he did it all for Laura. Has Luke changed? Time will tell. But, this was a good first step.

GUIDING LIGHT

I only bothered to watch the Christmas Eve episode. Blake and Ross got remarried, which might have meant more if GL hadn’t spent most of the past few years devaluing them and their relationship through lack of story. In the traditional sappy story, all the kids of Springfield were upset because they thought Santa Claus didn’t exist. So all the mothers of Springfield called all the daddies, and they all put on Santa suits, and all showed up at the same time. I guess Ellen Weston took off her movie hat and put on her sitcom hat. Of course, involved in the Santa melee were the five secret keepers of Springfield who vowed to protect whatever it is that they’re hiding, and reminded me why this is the first day I watched in several weeks.

ONE LIFE TO LIVE

Lordy. I did watch, but I honestly don’t remember much of it. Kelly found some kid, and brought him home, and continued to make a fool out of herself so Kevin will stay married to her and knock her up. Who is this Kelly? And I’m not talking about Heather Tom’s performance. This whole thing reminded me of the much better story when Cassie found River.

Todd and Blair plotted and schemed against each other for the seventy-fifth time. Viki was reminded of Christmases past when Victor would welcome in carolers and generally make merry, and Viki decided to do the same thing, in memory of something her father did that was good. So, kids, even if your father is a child molesting, heart stealing, murderous, evil, wretched, brutal, disgusting, bottom-feeding trashbag ho, be sure to find some good in him, okay?

PASSIONS

Like Days, I only watched the Christmas episode of Passions. What can I say? Has anybody heard the rumors that back in 1958, Irna Phillips deliberately killed off a popular character on The Guiding light because she wanted As the World Turns to rise to the top of the ratings? I don’t know if that’s true, but I’m starting to have the feeling that James E. Reilly might be doing the secret sabotage to DAYS to make Passions look good by comparison. Compared to the hopelessly idiotic writing and bleak storytelling of DAYS’ current killer plot, things in Harmony look downright sane. The main plot of the show was everyone standing around in a church watching Sheridan breast-feed Beth’s (Sheridan’s) child, while Beth looked on. Gee, even Reilly knew enough to have the perpetually tortured Luis and Sheridan have a happy holiday. Are you listening, Hogan? Julian prepared for his wedding to Rebecca, and enjoyed a stolen moment with Eve, vowing to find their son in the next year. Knowing this show, he’ll need the whole year. Rebecca, for her part, was crowing to Gwen how she’ll help take Theresa’s child away from her, the way Theresa took Gwen’s. Now that’s a story I could get behind. The wacko woman that always goes after Tabitha showed up at her house dressed as Santa Claus. She chased her around until baby Endora used her magical powers to catapult evil Santa over the moon a la E. T. That whole segment embodied what I really hate about Passions: constant mugging, physical hijinks, and pop culture references, and then they want applause for it. “Ooh, we’re referencing Bewitched! Aren’t we funny?” No, you can’t just raise the reference, you’ve got to do something with it. Otherwise, you’re an Austin Powers movie. But, in all honesty, this episode could have been a lot worse.

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS

In the requisite sappy story, J. T. found our Colleen wanted some jewelry, so he hocked his guitar. Colleen bought J. T. a guitar case. Where have I head this one before? Oh well. They could be ripping off “Ghost Story” or “I Know What You Did Last Summer”. Sierra found out, and got the pawn shop owner to give J. T. back his guitar, free of charge. What? How could the owner afford to do that in this economy?

Victor got arrested for the holidays, and was planning to spend his yuletide in jail, until Ashley showed up and convinced him to pay bail. Victor arrived, and spent the holidays at the ranch, if only for the grandkids’ sake. How come they didn’t ask where Aunt Vicki was? Michael Baldwin peered through the window at the happy scene, basically because he has no life now that Chris has dumped him and Victoria is gone.

Speaking of “Chris” and “dumping”, can we dump her, Paul, Lauren, and Danny? Chris and Paul had an awkward holiday exchanging gifts and making up, after Chris had previously berated him for moving out and dating Lauren. Of course, everything is awkward with these two after Kay Alden’s “wonderful” plot twist in Nov 2002.

CHRISTMAS CLASSICS M.I.A.

Where were the classic eps this season? CBS elected to spend Christmas day running Rugrats movies, and Soapnet presented “Christmas Re-gifted”, three hours of LAST YEAR’S Christmas episodes. That’s not a gift, it’s a lump of coal. I’m sure someone will come forward saying that there’s some sort of economic reason, but it probably amounts to people being to lazy to pick one, or ego-driven powers that be not wanting an episode from a different era than their own being showcased.

Next week, I’ll conclude my two-part column on the current state of Y&R, as well as discuss some behind the scenes shakeups at the no. 1 soap. And, in next week’s extras, I’ll present the 2003 Snark Awards. As always, you can send in your own awards, although no one ever takes advantage of it except SEW. Also, beginning this month, I will be contributing a monthly column to The World of Soap Themes. Same great Snark flavor, but it’ll be a little more focused. This month, I introduce myself to the uninitiated, and delve into a little of my history with the Internet. It should be up soon.

As always, you’re free to write me on all soap-related subjects at: snarkieposter@yahoo.com.