“He loves you Dad. Like I do. Don’t be afraid to hug him. He’s not afraid to hug you. You don’t…disgust us. You never, ever did,” said Taylor. Her voice was strong and firm, “We love you.”
With her words he found the strength, courage and love he needed as he passionately wrapped his arms around Tyler, letting out a deep carthetic breath, allowing himself to bask in Tyler’s hug.

*************************************************************************************************************

Coral is far more red than her lips' red

Tea looked at Trevor sitting quietly on the breakfast table chair, slouching, looking at his shoes. Stray hair fell into his eyes; thick, chestnut-colored hair like her's, with a slight wave to it. Crinkling his eyebrows and frowning, he said, "I think I need a new pair of tennis shoes...see the back part? It's peeling." He lifted his foot to show her, then he put it back down on the floor. Harder than he intended. With his other shoe, he started to rub continuously at the tiny, loose piece of rubber he had noticed. An annoyance. An imperfection.

Tea sighed heavily, knowing her son so well, knowing his retreat when things got complicated. Like his father. Turning around in her chair, she glanced out the window and saw Tyler and Taylor talking to Todd. She could see his face from where she sat, through the kitchen window, looking at his angels, his babies. Assuring them, comforting them, in spite of his own deep ache. She could see the familiar sadness etched in those still-beautiful eyes of his, the ones which always revealed to her what was in his heart.

She turned back to Trevor, still busy at his chore of trying to break away the errant piece of his shoe. "Mijo," she said. "I know you don't want to talk right now. But, I hope that you understand what your father's been trying to tell you today - that you can better see why he did what he did - the fact that there are explanations for his...choices."

He suddenly stopped his attempt to cut off the defective part of his shoe and looked up at his mother. "Choices, Mom? As in ice cream flavors? As in shoes?" Her mouth dropped open, the tightness and bitterness in his voice shocking her. She didn't even know what to say to him. This sarcasm seemed to come out of nowhere, it was so unlike him. She swallowed back a rush of hurt.

"No, mijo-"

"So now I'm supposed to understand that he chose 'rape' as his flavor of the month because he was abused? And this abuse is why he stalked his own lawyer? Explains why he wanted to hurt her? It's garbage, Mom!! Garbage!"

"No! You have no-"

"And what does that mean, anyway, ‘hurt'? Is that a another word for ‘kill' or ‘rape'?"

"Trevor...you're not-"

"You know...the twins might fall for his excuse - they might be blind as to who our father really is, but I'm not." He stood up harshly, the chair making a loud sound as it scraped against the kitchen tiles.

"Trevor Manning!" Tea raised her voice, her face flushed with disbelief in her son, her special boy. She did not see Todd outside raise his head to look into the kitchen, his attention caught by her angry voice. "Don't you talk like that!" she continued. "Don't you throw around judgments of things you understand very little of. You need to know more? Then you ask. You ask and ask until you get all the facts. Then you can judge. But not until then! Comprende?"

"No, no comprendo!" he spat out, louder than he intended, his voice strained with the underlying hurt as he tried to maintain control over his emotions. Dad, how could you? How could you do this to us? "Every day we hear about...excuses...the tales of horror all explaining away 'bad deeds'! And here he is...doing the same thing!"

"It's not like that, Trevor! Do you think he wanted to tell you about the abuse? I encouraged him! I did! He wanted to let you decide on your own. To judge him with nothing else. He didn't want you to feel sorry for him. Please, mijo, try not to be..." She stopped, knowing how impossible this was. She knew that of all the children, it would be hardest on Trevor. He had always looked up to Todd, admired him. Differently than the others. Because of his disease, his hemophilia, he had always felt a certain weakness and so he drew on Todd's strength. He was her son's hero in so many ways.

Until now.

"Try not to be what?" he demanded. "Angry? Upset? Disgusted? What is it that I shouldn't be, Mom, Mami? Tell me!" He looked at her, asking with his eyes, with all he had. Tell me. Tell me what it is that I should feel? Help me understand this. This.

Tea could feel her eyes begin to moisten, she felt the lump in her throat as she looked at her son, bleeding not from his disease, but from disappointment. His hero was just a man and a very flawed one at that; one who had made grave mistakes. "Yes," she conceded, tears beginning to fall. "All those things. Try not to be angry...please try to understand...there were reasons. I've accepted them. Many people have as well - people we would not have thought of originally."

"Oh yeah? Like the Buchanan's? And now like their...stupid....kids?" He himself looked on the verge of tears and all Tea wanted to do was hold him. Be that baby again, she thought. She could picture so easily his sweet face, looking at his daddy. His baby teeth - perfect and small; little pearls shining beneath a bright smile. It fizzled into the picture in front of her. Disappointment.

"He's still your father," she said, tears now dropping freely, wetting her cheeks. "He's still that man that I know you love. Nothing has changed. He's as powerful and as wonderful as he always was. But, now you know what's underneath the strength. Now you know the hurdles he's had to jump over to get where he is. To become who he is."

He rubbed his face in frustration, unable to see it. Unable to see his father as he was now. Their father. Their hero. A rapist. A stalker. What else did he do? Murder, extortion? What? What other skeletons would they be treated to? Dad. How could you?

"Please, mijo, let me help you to see this better. We've made it through other pains such as this. We've been through so much together."

Trevor looked at his mother and saw her own pain that he knew he was causing. She had hit him where it counted - referring to his disease, his hemophilia and his struggles with it. They had been through so much together. How many times had she held him while he cried out in pain; held him while he watched the rest of the world go about their lives, acting without fear of consequences, without a daily reminder of their mortality? One wrong, careless move, and he could be done for. But, it had been his mother who was always there. Giving him a life. Run, mijo, don't walk. Trevor sighed as he looked into her eyes. He was just about to go to her, to feel her arms around him. Just about to let her in.

"It's okay, mijo. We're all going to be all right."

But, then he saw the door open behind her, slowly, and Todd walked in with Taylor and Tyler following. Like a scratched off scab, the anger bubbled forth again at seeing his father. Explanations, right? No, they're excuses.

Todd took a breath when he saw the judge of the children, the one who would set the path for all of them. He saw the decision in Trevor's eyes and looked away, feeling those minute cracks in the foundation of his family moving apart, widening. He had tried to cover them up, those hairline cracks. Filling them in with a large house, nice cars, kisses, hugs, attention. Happiness and love. He kept saying to himself, "See? You were wrong. The cracks won't get bigger; your family will survive them. Will survive you. You're happy now." Wrong answer, Mr. Manning.

Tea did not turn around, still hoping for Trevor to give in - to let her help him reach a liveable point of understanding. Then she saw his face change. A swell of hurt rushed forward again.

Talking to Todd, but looking at Tea, Trevor's voice cracked with emotion, "No, it's not going to be all right. You're all blind! You call them 'hurdles'?! He kneeled on rice! Big deal! You want me to kneel on rice? I can do that! You want me on my knees?! FINE! I'm on my knees!"

"No, no...you don't-"

"TREVOR!" Todd's voice shot across the room and Trevor looked at him.

With defiance, Trevor bit down and dropped to his knees. He hit his chest with both his hands and, with choked back tears, yelled, "YOU GOT IT, DAD!! HERE I AM - ON MY KNEES!! MY EXCUSE, NOW!! MY EXCUSE!!"

Tyler and Taylor started both started to cry, their hands finding each other as they always did. Cracking. Hairline fractures turned into gigantic fault lines. Todd closed his eyes, at a loss. As was Tea.

Simply silent. The only sounds were the sniffles of the twins.

Trevor then said, "Unlike you, Papi, I can bet you my life I won't go raping anybody." He got up off his knees. Looking at the remains of his family, he turned around and left.

Coral is far more red than her lips' red

TO BE CONTINUED…