Trevor then said, “Unlike you Papi I can bet you my life I won’t go raping anybody.” He got up off his knees. Looking at the remains of his family, he turned around and left.

****************************************************************************************************

Running. She loves me. She loves me not. Pulse is pounding. She’s home. She’s just got to be home.

Trevor raced down the street, gasping for breath as he ran. The residential street Amy lived on was quiet. Too quiet. He glanced at his watch. Fourish. Her father would still be at work. He could barely catch his breath.

You got it Dad!! Here I am – on my knees!!

No! Shut it out!! Don’t think about it!! It hurts…too much.

I can bet you my life I won’t go around raping anybody…

God! Amy! Be home!!

Trevor slowed down and hesitantly approached the Kalariotes door as he struggled to catch his breath. He took deep breaths as he raised his hand and ran it threw his hair. With a deeper breath than normal, he knocked on the door.

The door opened. Amy’s 12 year old pasty-faced kid brother stood there.

“Oh. It’s you.”

“Amy here Chris?” asked Trevor nervously.

“She’s out back raking leaves.” Chris Kalariotes picked his nose.

Trevor nodded his head and ran off.

“My Dad’s coming home in twenty minutes!”

Whatever. Let him. Need Amy.

He paused as he came across Amy out back. She was wearing jeans and a light fall jacket over her shirt. Her back was to him and she was whistling as she raked. The pile of leaves was a good size.

“Amy…” he said.

She turned around and her face displayed how shocked she was to see him – but immediately her expression changed into one of happiness, taking his breath away.

“Amy…” he said again finding her dark eyes. Just standing there. Just drinking her in.

She could tell by the way he cocked his head something was troubling him, “Trev? What is it? What’s wrong?”

He silently walked toward her and she threw the rake aside taking him into her arms, allowing him to wrap himself around her. She could feel his shaking body and as he began to kiss her, she could feel his trembling lips.

“Hold me Amy. Kiss me. Make it go away…” he said between desperate desire- filled kisses.

She easily complied. He had never sought her out like this. He had always been hesitant and shy in reaching out to her – in touching her – in kissing her and now here he was, begging her to kiss him and hold him. And his lips – so tender, so moist. So aggressive. He pressed his body hard against hers, causing them to stumble and fall into the leaf pile. Finally, he separated himself and gazed into her eyes as the leaves danced between them. He took his hand and ran her curls through his fingers.

“You’re beautiful Amy…Antigone…Antigone Kalariotes…” he whispered, his voice shaking.

“What’s wrong Trev? Let me in…” she whispered, caught in his spell.

“Do you love me?” he asked.

What is love? Sex? A feeling? Can Amy really love me…feel about me the same way…?

Not breaking eye contact she nodded her head, ‘yes’.

“Do you want to make love with me? Right here and now? Despite… the hemophilia?” he said, raising his voice a bit, anxious and scared, but maybe this is what he needed to make it all go away…maybe what he needed was to bask in Amy’s love…

Again she nodded her head ‘yes’ as she whispered the words…yes…yes… So sudden…so soon…so ardent…

And with a sudden possessiveness, his mouth overtook hers and he forced his tongue into her mouth – exploring her deeply, like he never had before. He could feel her fingertips on his cheeks and her body tense up. Roughly, he pushed aside her light fall jacket and put his hand over the fabric that protected her breast.

She flinched and with a quickness, Trevor pulled his hand away and broke away from her body, only to find her eyes…to find the fear in her eyes…

“I disgust you,” he said abruptly, moving away from her…

I disgust myself…

“No! No you don’t!” she said grabbing his arm. He could see the wave of fear subsiding in her.

He looked at her intently, “What then? You’re saying yes but…your body’s saying no…”

“Trev…” she said. Her voice betrayed her hurt.

He paused and bit his lip, “That’s it…your body…is saying ‘no.’ Tell me Amy – if I didn’t stop, would you have gone all the way with me just now?”

“Trev…”

“Be honest.”

“Yes! Yes, I would have…” she tilted her head back. Shaking – she was shaking.

“Even if you didn’t really want to?”

“Yes!”

I can bet you my life I won’t go raping anybody!

Trevor sat up and hung his head between his knees, “I would have…raped…you Amy…and I would have no excuse – no bed of rice to blame it on!” he spat, “No explanation – for violating you…” he whispered.

“Waitaminute…rape? That’s not…rape. I didn’t say ‘no.’ I wouldn’t have stopped you Trev – I wouldn’t have TRIED to stop you…” said Amy firmly, “Do you…do you KNOW what rape is?”

“Yeah! I know what it is! And so does my Dad! Amy…he raped someone. You know…he forced himself on her. Forced her down – forced himself!” He took a deep breath to regain what little composure he had and held his head in his hands. Disbelieving.

Amy tried to put her arms around him, to comfort him, but he shrugged her off.

But no such roses I see in her cheeks

“Oh no you don’t Trevor Manning!” said Amy sliding down in front of him on the leaves. She put her hands on his face, raising him so once again, they were looking at each other, “You tell me what happened. You are NOT shutting me out! Not this time!” she said passionately.

“You can’t… all right. Amy…my father…the man whose blood keeps me alive – a man who I never saw raise a hand in violence or anger until recently…he’s a man who’s done some terrible things – including rape and his EXCUSE is he was abused…abused since he was a little boy…” said Trevor confiding in her. His voice cracked.

She pulled him into a hug and held him tight. Her heart breaking over the hurt and anguish that was racking his body.

“My Mom said…it wasn’t meant to be an excuse but an explanation as to why he did…what he did…” continued Trevor. He broke out of the embrace and searched out her soulful eyes. Tears streamed down his face. Lightly, Amy brought her hand to his cheek and brushed the tears away.

“I don’t know what to say Trevor,” said Amy, “Why don’t you believe her? Why do you think your father’s abuse is an ‘excuse’ for what he did? Rather than an explanation?”

Trevor took a deep breath and wiped his tears with his sleeves.

“You know…you’re the only one besides my mom to see my cry like this?” he remarked.

“Don’t change the subject Manning,” said Amy lightly.

“I’m not…really,” he defended.

“So tie it together for me…” whispered Amy, resting her hand on his knee, looking into his eyes, full of concern, “Why can’t you accept...”

He flared at her question, “Because it’s bullshit!! My whole life he’s talked about taking responsibility, consequences for your actions, paying your debt to society…and now…and now…he throws this at us?”

Amy paused, wanting to get the words right, “But Trev, abuse isn’t always just an excuse. Sometimes…sometimes it can…really screw up a person. Mess them up. Make them angry. What…kind of abuse did he tell you about?”

Trevor stared at the sky, feeling the sting of the fall chill on his warm face, thinking about the kneeling. Thinking about a boy kneeling in rice. Humiliated.

“Not much,” he said.

“Maybe…he didn’t tell you everything. Maybe it’s too painful to talk about. Or too…scary. Maybe you just need to listen to more.”

“This just all hurts too much Amy. I’ve never dealt with this kind of pain – this kind of emotional pain – only physical…” he whispered, “Can I…can I confide in you…about how I deal with…pain?”

Amy nodded her head ‘yes.’

Trevor swallowed, “You know how you get a black and blue – it means you’re bleeding internally?”

Amy nodded her head.

“It hurts the worst. More so than a regular cut because I don’t stop bleeding. I keep bleeding you see…and the blood has to go some place. Joints – joints have space. So the blood fills up that space putting pressure on the joints. And it starts out as a dull ache and the pressure builds and builds until that dull ache is a sharp jab of pain. By that time I’m in the hospital and the clotting factor has been given to me but it takes eight hours to really feel the effect and begin to ease the pressure off the joint. It’s like taking your last drink at 2 in the morning but the alcohol in your system is still making you drunk until your body catches up with itself. Only my Mom sits with me when it gets that bad. I don’t want anyone else to hear me because by that time it’s unbearable. I’m whimpering, crying, yelling, sweating…just waiting…for that clotting factor to kick in and catch up with my body. And I yell and yell until the pain gets so bad I pass out and I can’t stop yelling. I can only internalize so much and then it comes blasting out of me. That’s how I deal with the pain. And only my mother knows…” Trevor finally stopped talking, pausing for desperate breaths of air. They looked intently at each other.

“I’m glad you shared that…with me…” she whispered, “That must be very difficult. I can’t even imagine that kind of pain. I bet that…physical pain makes you really angry. Thank God you have your mother,” she said staring back at the ground.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. What would he do if he didn’t have his mother? What would he do with all that anger and no love to counterbalance it?

He simply nodded his head, “I think…you’re right. Maybe I need to know more facts…”

”You ask and ask until you get all the facts. Then you can judge…”

“But maybe, I don’t…really want to know more. It hurts…too much. I bleed…too much.”

“Do you hate your father Trevor?” she asked seriously.

“No. But right now, I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to think – and I hurt my mother deeply today – as deeply as I could hurt someone – and I almost hurt you today…with no explanations…no excuses…no matter what you say,” he muttered.

Just then Amy saw her brother walk out of the house.

“Your boyfriend’s Dad is here.”

Amy and Trevor swallowed.

But no such roses I see in her cheeks

TO BE CONTINUED…