I could barely focus. I walked inside in a haze and ran into…my dad. He was standing there, his arms crossed, his face serious.
“Ah…Dad?” I muttered.
“Follow me. We need to have a talk. About chicks…” he said.
I took a deep breath and followed him into the kitchen.

************************************************************************************************************

September
Llanview

My Dad opened the frig and took out a beer. He offered me one but I declined it. My parents had always been liberal with alcohol and I think it was their way of teaching us responsibility. On special occasions we were all allowed a glass of wine except Terri who would sip out of our mother’s glass. Our father had told us he didn’t mind if we drank in front of him but we had to be smart about it. I think because it was because it was available there was no big allure to sneak it, and besides with my hemophilia, I just preferred not to allow substances like that into my body. The thought of me getting drunk and hurting myself and having a bleeding episode while I had no control over myself, scared me to death. Taylor also refrained from alcohol use but Tyler would, on occasion, join my father for a drink.

My Dad sat on the kitchen table while I stood in front of him, “So, Trevor, what’s up with this Amy chick? She your girlfriend now?”

I bit my lip, “Ah, yeah…Dad.”

“You like this girl?” asked my dad.

“Ah, yeah…” I answered.

My father paused, “Chicks can be exasperating T.D. I know…” said my father. He scratched his ear and took another sip of his beer.

“How so?” I asked.

“Take Starr’s mother for example. Blair Holden’s got the looks that would cause any guy to go weak in the knees but there’s always a scheme going on with her…” said my father.

“Amy’s not a schemer, Dad…” I said.

“That’s good. Is she sane?” asked my dad.

I took a breath, “Ah, yeah, Dad…Amy’s sane…”

“Um, yeah. Honestly, your mom and I are impressed with her,” said my dad. I got the impression this wasn’t an easy conversation for him, “We just don’t want to see you get hurt T.D. We don’t want her to hurt you or you to hurt her…”

I wrinkled my brow, “Yeah, Dad…I don’t want to hurt her either but I don’t see how she could hurt me…”

“Chicks can hurt you without even trying…” he said, “’cos once they’re in your heart – anything they do or don’t do or say or don’t say… it all means something…” he said pointing to his heart.

I didn’t quite understand what he was saying, “Sure Dad…I follow…”

“So, ah…you…making tomatoes with Amy?” asked my father scratching his nose.

“Making tomatoes, Dad?” I asked.

“Ah, you know…ah…bumping nasty…?” asked my father again.

“Bumping nasty? What do you mean Dad?” I asked.

My father frowned, “Sex. You know…you having sex with Amy…? ‘Cos if you are…you should use…one of those condom thingies…” his face got all red and I think I was more embarrassed for him than for me.

“Dad…relax. Amy and I aren’t making tomatoes,” I said grinning at him, trying to put him at ease.

“Well, when you decide you might, you know…you gotta be responsible about it. You know, ‘cos besides the obvious like actually making a tomato…” he droned off.

“You mean, making a baby?” I asked.

“Yeah, a kid…you could get those tomatoes diseases like AIDS or herpes or gonorrhea…” stuttered my dad. He was so red in the face it was unreal.

“Or even syphilis…” I added.

“Yeah…that one too…” said my Dad.

“Dad, you know I had a sex ed class…” I said.

“Yeah, I knew that. But a parent should talk about stuff like this with their kid…” said my father awkwardly, “All though I couldn’t picture you, you know, doing it…I realize you might…”

“Don’t worry, Dad,” I said, “I can’t picture you doing it either.”

My father grinned at that one, “Well, I do, you know…”

“Do you and mom use a condom?” I asked half-seriously.

My father gagged on his beer and spit out half his drink.

“That’s none of your business kid!” he said flabbergasted.

“It’s a legitimate question. I mean, you asked me…” I said.

“No. We don’t. So there. Your mom’s on birth control,” answered my father. He was so red I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel.

“O.k., Dad…I understand about the sex stuff, but what about the love stuff?” I asked, “Isn’t it all the same thing? Sex equals love?”

“The love stuff?” asked my Dad sipping his beer.

“Yeah, the love stuff…” I added.

“First T.D., sex does not equal love. People have sex all the time and they don’t love who they’re having sex with. However…sometimes if you’re lucky…you’ll meet the right the chick that you’ll love and you’ll have sex with her and it will be…just….special…and you’ll know it…it’s a feeling…” he said, once again losing the words to continue.

“So, when did you know?” I asked.

“Know what?” he asked.

“When did you know you were in love with Mom and how did you know it?” I asked, really interested in his answer.

My father let out a breath and paused. He scratched his ear again.

“You really want to know?” he asked.

“Yeah, Dad, I really want to know,” I answered him.

“I was in jail T.D. I had been accused of a rape I didn’t commit,” said my father, “And I was scared because I was Todd Manning…if I…had raped a woman before…why couldn’t I rape again, right?” His voice was edgy and dark.

I could tell this was a painful memory for him, “Dad…did you rape Mom?” I asked seriously.

“No,” he firmly replied, “I never wanted that for us…I never wanted to touch her like that…”

It was quiet between us.

“I believe you…” I said feeling the conviction in the tone of his voice.

“Your mom came to me in that jail cell to represent me of course…but she told me she was leaving me and it hit me you know, how much I needed her – wanted her in my life. She was…bandaging up my knuckles…” my father said, holding out his knuckles, “I was looking at her…just feeling…just feeling her… and I knew. Right then and there I knew I was in love with her and I had been for months but I wasn’t able to accept it until just then…”

“Why was she leaving you Dad?” I asked.

Again, my father’s eyes became swollen, “I made her…” he whispered.

It was obviously a painful memory for him.

“I hurt her Trevor…” he said painfully.

“Physically?” I asked.

“No. I won’t lie to you Trevor, I hit your mother once…but it wasn’t then and it was under a very different set of circumstances…” my father replied.

“Did you abuse her Dad?” again, I had to ask.

“What’s abuse Trevor? You’re mother and I…sought out counseling for that incident…we learned a lot about ourselves and about…forgiveness…” he answered.

I walked up to him and reached out to him and we shared an awkward hug.

I looked into his eyes, “But you love her, right?”

“Yeah,” said my father, “I love her.”

My father put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes – reflections of his own, “Never hurt her…never hurt a woman as I’ve hurt your mother…” he choked and with that he walked off leaving me with more questions than answers.

*************************************************************************************************************

The party had dissipated by the time my conversation with my father finished. I found myself wandering up to my sister’s, Taylor’s, room. I knocked on the door. She was in her PJ’s, but she let me in. She was brushing her long hair. We sat down on her bed facing each other.

“Trev…where did you go?” whispered Taylor as she finished brushing her hair.

“I spent some time with Amy and then with Dad. We had a talk about sex…and love…” I whispered back.

Taylor giggled, “Dad’s not much of word man, is he?”

“It was hard for him but I knew – in his heart – he felt it was important to have this conversation…that he cared enough to have it…” I said.

“Yeah…” said Taylor, “I can’t imagine him any different. And I wouldn’t want him any other way. It couldn’t be easy for mom and dad knowing their love is so dangerous…”

“You mean, the hemophilia?” I asked, “That we have because of them…and their dangerous love, as you put it?”

She nodded her head.

“I think it might be more dangerous than we think…” I said.

Taylor made a face, “He loves her Trev. Have you ever watched them? I mean really watched them? Have you seen the way he looks at her? He could melt ice sometimes the way he looks at her. I only wish I could find a guy to love me like dad loves mom.”

“What do you want in a guy Taylor?” I whispered taking her hands into my own.

I looked into her hazel eyes – reflections of my own.

She smiled, “I want him to be handsome I guess… a sexy smile…” she giggled, “But I want him to like me for the person I am and I want him to like the same things I do. I want passion, and romance…and well, I want to know that he loves me…and only me.”

I let out a breath, “That’s a tall list. I don’t know if I can be all that for Amy…”

“Trev…Amy’s list could be very different from mine…” said Taylor.

“Don’t all girls think alike?” I asked.

Taylor giggled, “No, silly…”

I smiled at her and we wandered out onto her balcony. We could hear voices and looked down onto the estate. My father and mother were on the patio. My father wore sweatpants and a shirt but the shirt was unbuttoned and just hanging over his shoulders. My mother wore a clingy peach nightgown and she wore her hair down, around her shoulders.

Taylor motioned to be quiet and we ducked down out of sight, just peering over the rail. My father sat down on a loveseat and my mother sat down in front of him and he wrapped his arms around her, softly kissing her and her cheek, holding her close. She closed her eyes and enjoyed what he was doing.

Taylor whispered, “Wow…that’s love…”

“So, Todd…how did your conversation with T.D. go?” asked our mother smiling. I looked at Taylor and giggled.

“O.k. He knows about that tomato sex stuff you know…” said my father, clinging to our mother.

The pose was very seductive.

Our mother giggled, “Did you call it making tomatoes in front of Trevor?”

“Well, yeah…” he said, putting his hands on her shoulders.

“Todd, the tomato man…” laughed my mother.

My father turned her so she was looking at him.

I looked at Taylor and we giggled.

“Are you making fun of me Delgado?” he asked putting his hands on her arms. Her legs were draped over his thighs. I wished I could hold Amy like that.

“Let’s just say my conversation with Taylor went a little smoother…” grinned my mother.

I turned to Taylor and whispered, “Mom talked to you about guys and sex?”

“A while back Trevor. You know when I came home from school frantic?” she whispered.

I nodded my head.

“Well, I got my period that day…” whispered Taylor.

“Wish I could have been a fly on that wall for that conversation…” I whispered.

Taylor’s eyes lit up and she smacked me upside my arm, “I’ll tell you all about it some day.”

“…Did you have a good party?” came my father’s voice.

Again, we peered down over the ledge.

“Yes, Todd…” she replied. My mother placed her hands on his chest and my father jumped at her touch, if she were a jolt of electricity…

“Look, I know this court case is important to you but don’t let it consume you…” he said. His tone of voice sounded worried, “And I don’t like that Simon guy…”

“Todd, you don’t have anything to worry about…” she whispered.

“I need you Téa…” he said passionately.

They began kissing and touching each other.

I turned to Taylor, “C’Mon, let’s give them their privacy.”

Taylor nodded her head and we creeped back into her room.